What i find so interesting - is the dichotomy between wanting to "overshare" as it were - and totally barf out everything in my head and hard, and not wanting to risk having anything that I choose to overshare, come back to bite me in the buttocks (spoken like Forest Gump).

In the age of Social Networking - it's ok to facebook about whatever, and twitter about anything.....I feel sometimes, that the air is polluted with "noise" and wonder where it all came from and when it REALLY became ok for people to natter on about nothingness.  Although I will acknowledge that some folks DO have some important things to say.   Charlie Sheen would NOT fall into that category. 

That's all i'm nattering on about for today. 

I don't know what it is with the blog - I think I have sort of a love / dislike thing going with it. When all is well in my world, I love to write and feel comfortable sharing. When I go through a struggle of any kind (as we all do), I don't feel like sharing.

Today, I've decided I'm back to sharing. Maybe I'll take a risk and start sharing more......

Today - I woke up feeling an overwhelming sense of joy.  I think this is a marker that my metamorphosis has ended....I felt like it did two weeks ago - when I celebrated by the purchase of a butterfly key chain filled with bling.  (girls love sparkly shiny things)......but I really felt it today.

As my day progressed - I heard more and more positive things, found more reasons to laugh and be happy............tonight,  a friend I once held so very dear in highschool - found me on facebook.  I sorta have a love hate relationship with Facebook - but tonight - i'm loving it.

My friend helped me realize that my metamorphosis is indeed over.  I am the buttefly I have wanted to be.  But a butterfly made of forged steel......burned and cooled, burned and cooled until stronger ..... 

When I look back at my highschool years, it's mostly angst ridden.  It is PROFOUND to hear that sometimes we have an effect on others....in ways we couldn't even imagine.  Thank you dear friend for finding me, for the courage you have demonstrated in your life since highschool....and for sharing!   Welcome to butterfly-dom. 

I went to my first violin lesson tonight!   It was VERY tough!  who knew?      I took it becuase of the one time I taught myself how to play Silent Night on one string.......... now paying for carpal tunnel in the name of learning classical music..... 

A friend of mine said that she could teach me how to play,  badly,  and for a fraction of the cost!

I've been kinda angry lately.  Not grumpy or snappy at others......just sort of a rolling boil underneath the surface.   Not quite sure where it comes from but I've been finding it most helpful in accomplishing many things.......

From the basics of asserting myself and saying "um.....no"  .....to attacking mountains in Fernie BC.   

Before the anger, I would have pensively gone down the side of a mountain, apologizing to snow for displacing it on my way down.    This past week, I just kept throwing myself down the mountain.   When my legs started to burn, I skiied harder....well, until the moment where my brain sent the command to my legs to initiate a turn and my legs said "um.......no".   Actually it was more like "no effen way brain, do it yourself!........    This moment clearly defined that I am indeed, approaching middle age......

Today, I'm attacking the mountain of laundry. .....

 

 

Today at the hospital I got an X RAY amoungst some other fun things.  Quite frankly, it was just too damn long since last poked and prodded....

 I had my appendix out (the REDUX in 2006,  see archives) and SWORE that whilst in recovery, the surgeon informed me that I had titanium staples.......however, with the morphine I was given,  apparently my ears and memory were not to be trusted.    

Today however, was the day of JUSTICE!   My XRAY showed THIRTEEN staples.  Not 4.  Not 5.  Not 10.   I DID hear correctly!!!    Morphine did NOT cloud my judgement.   The surgeon was INCORRECT when, at my post surgery follow up appointment, he assured me that I had NO staples.  WRONG he was!   WRONG.  13 beauties just "hanging out" .   I'm so glad I asked Mr XRAY technician if I could look at my XRAY.  Besides, who doesn't want to see their own guts? 

Just goes to show ya.......even though I had just come out of surgery, stoned out of my tree, ....I KNOW what I hear!!!!    I could feel those little staples and unlike the Business Depot, it was NOT easy! but now I know why setting off alarms going INTO stores is! 

 

Today - I decided that I'm going to take violin lessons.   My grandmother gave me her fathers violin some time in some decade......the strings are all sproinged off....the hairs on the bow are askew....and i've had it as a decorative item for some time.  

 I once taught myself how to play "silent night" on one string.   I think I sounded GREAT.   I also taught myself how to play "Happy birthday" and played THAT for the same family I regailed with Silent Night.......(not my family which is probably why they liked it so much). 

Now I think I'll be able to play Mozart in 12 easy lessons.    My neighbours are going to be soo happy with the noise coming from my house!  Stay tuned on this one!

Tonight I went to see my dad sing his songs, accompanied by a rockin bass player and incredible percussionist.    It was special to watch. 

In  between a song, he spoke about how sometimes, he feels that he is a better man in the words he writes, then he is in the flesh.    I've heard him say this before and my response was this:  The beauty of having a writer for a father is that where our relationship in real life fails (and all things considered - it's a pretty wonderful relationship for which I am grateful) ......I can have whatever conversations I need to have with him when I listen to his songs. .....we can sing together.. transcend our human experience .........and all is well.   For THIS I am VERY grateful.   

Towards the end of his final set...he asked if I wanted to sing a song with him that we sang together at my "fall formal".   I was soo not expecting it - but he asked, I put my guts on the table, and started walking towards the stage before I had even decided to accept his invitation.   I could kind of hear my voice.  It had a vibrato - but I'm sure it was just nerves.  It was a PROFOUNDLY sweet moment in my life.   A moment where reality and dreams coexisted - and it was better than both. 

Thanks Dad.  I'm a whole lotta grateful.

 

I went for a walk today with a friend.   After we both almost wiped out on the ice....we decided to call it an adventure. ...becuase with the right mind set, anything can be an adventure!  

We walked thru a herd of geese, on top of our stealth game ready to fend off any potential goose attack!  (they can be vicious!).

 We crossed RIVERS of snowmelt run-off....almost getting soakers!  We picked our way across a slush floe....having to play "stepping stones" with safe soaker free snow patches....THAT was particularly scary!  It took teamwork, some moments were touch and go, but we did it!!     The highlight I think....was staring at some flat clear ice over some grass....remembering how it felt to break ice in the spring time when we were kids.   

If you have a moment over the next few mild days......go check out the slush and remember the sense of wonderment and adventure that you hopefully felt as a 7 year old experiencing spring.....

After many months away from the yoga studio I had at one point, tried to frequent in my old life...Having found some passes I had bought,  thought today was a good day to try and return. .......

Within the first three downward dogs, I realized just how wrong my life was a year ago.   Last year, every cell in my body was fighting where I was.... to the point where every breath became a struggle to hold back waves of grief and hold in tears.   Sort of not really the point to yoga.......I don't think that the class of strangers would have found their peace listening to me cry the whole way thru the class.  (altho that would be a funny skit).    

I identified with a scene from the book "Eat, Pray, Love"  - where the author is having a depressed episode sobbing on the bathroom floor, was asking for divine guidance.   This,  was something I did often last year.    The author's depressed episodes came from living a life with someone who didn't love her.    Her divine guidance was apparently the voice of God saying "Go to bed".    Being too afraid to sleep -  I chose medication that would force unconsciousness.    The yoga class - fighting tears with each breath - was my message.  I just fought that to....

By contrast, over the duration of this mornings class, I realized that my body had returned, at last, to it's natural state.  Joy.  I was amazed how with each breathe - my body felt like the glitters of sunshine cast by a crystal chandelier.......  I found happiness, and peace.  All by myself.